On Papa's 44th

Only three hours have passed after my father's 44th birthday officially ended. I stop, look around, observe and try to formulate answers to the littlest questions that pop from my head this time. The efforts, the tears, the years that have passed. It is the time I ask myself, "What do I really want?".

It was in 2007 that my view in life changed big time. I was never this idealistic. I was never this dreamy about things way beyond my grasp. It is only now that I see the triviality of my existence, and everyone's as well. It is only now that I am growing.

You see, society has kept us blind from the beauty of introspection and the thoughts that dreams are made to be followed not just to be stared upon. We do not get what we want because of luck but because of all the sweat-drenched t-shirts we washed. It is only not that success is the fruit of our labors but also the other way around.

Life is a sequence of problems ordered in an approximately increasing difficulty. We encounter a question, we try to solve that question, we find answers, we move on then encounter another problem. If we look at it this way, then life is all about puppets climbing a mountain with a non-existent peak with a constant supply of boulders ramming on their, the puppet's, faces. The puppets know they're not free but have no grasp of what's on the other side of the string. All they know is that it moves in weird intervals leaving them fate to gravity's mercy in between.

We cannot serve two masters but masters can have two slaves. It's either I stick with pursuing my research career or stop and go lead the money-making train. Shall I try to be a great scientist or a superb manager? In the end, it all boils down to what we need. I need money to feed myself and to keep my family kicking and alive. But I also need to do what I want to do as it keeps me from falling from this self-made pedestal of ego and pride. Funny, I practically type-casted a want to a need.

Proves my point. Nothing is absolute. Reality itself is relative. Right now, I shall go expand my horizon. No time for senseless lolligagging.

Sa Banal na Hapunan

It's been quite a while, I guess. Looking back, things have changed drastically just over the past year. I may not be the best on what I do but I am happy being able to teach and influence the brightest minds in the country.

I know I am not perfect. I am not even teacher or professor material with all my "wala salugar na kalokohan", but this is who I am.

Hindi ako magiging kasing yaman ng mga ka-batch ko o kaibigan kong nagtratrabaho sa labas ng academe. Hindi ako magiging kasing sikat ng mga tao sa telebisyon. Hindi ako magkakaruon ng sobrang gandang asawang mabait, mapang-unawa at sobrang talino. Hindi ako ang pinakamatalinong tao at lalong hindi ako mas matalino sa mga tinuturuan ako. Nagkataon lang na nauna ako sa kanila. Pero hindi ang mga ito ang sukatan ko ng tagumpay o ng kaligayahan.

Salat man ako sa pera puno naman ako sa pagmamahal sa ginagawa ko. Wala man akong maipagmamalaking kagandahang lalaki pero may mga kaibigan akong patuloy na nagmamahal sa akin maputulan man ako ng ulo. Mamahalin ko kung sino man ang ibigay sa akin ng Dios na makakasama ko habang buhay maging sino o ano man siya. Sisikapin kong maabot ang mga pangarap ko kahit na mamamatay din naman tayong lahat sa huli.

Hindi ako nagtuturo para sumikat o para ipakita kong mas mataas ako sa iba kundi dito lang ako masaya. Gusto kong mag-research, maging doctor hindi dahil mas mataas na uri ako ng tao kung nagkataon kundi gusto kong may maibigay sa mundo, sa sarili kong paraan.

Para sa babaeng hindi ko pa nakikita o nakita ko na pero hindi ko lang pinapansin, maghintay ka lang dahil sa ngayon, masaya pa ako. Puwede ka namang ngumiti kung gusto mo at sabay tayong tatakbo.